Sunday, March 23, 2008
Help! I've Overcomplicated my life...Here is what i've done...*coughs* This is totally going to sound soap opera-ish to so pardon me. I did a good job in complicating my life this time. I finally felt like it was time to move on from my last ex. So I am trying my best to find a guy that won't be an asshole, can hold a job, is mature, and won't mess with my emotions. OHHHH MAN! So first there is Zach, we've been talking alot lately and whenever i'm in ontario I end up hanging out with him and eventually things get physical. Yeah I love that about him and I have totally fallen in love with the boy. He treats me like an equal we have intelligent conversation and he doesn't once put me down or make me feel stupid. He's nice to talk to and fun to be around and accepts me as who I am...ALL of me. The only problem is he is constantly preoccupied with his ex and seems to be emotionally unavalible most of the time with alot more baggage then I want to handle at this point in my life. I've known him for quite some time and he's my bestfriends husbands...bestfriend (still following me or are you lost already lol)
Enter Rob, found me on facebook no less on one of those stupid picture buying applications. He thought I was cute so he bought my pics and messaged me. I thought nothing of it because I was stuck on Zach and didn't want to complicate things. But on the second time he asked me if I was single I was like you know what maybe I should leave Zach alone and let him deal with his issues and maybe you know start dating so yeah I replied with yeah i'm single (and I am...). So he added me to his MSN. We have so much in common both like to cook, camp, same music and TV taste, love movies and animals. Only thing is he is catholic and i'm some weird eclectic pagan I guess that switches to being atheist every once in a while when I feel like everything is turning it's back on me and no one is listening. We've even talked on the phone and he says to me "Will you save yourself for me" I'm like hunnie it's way to late for that chastity crap with me and I don't know you that well. lol Gave us both a good laugh but what he meant was not to date anyone else until we have a chance to see if we could be a couple. So I told him no worries got no one else here to date....So we agreed Monday night to having dinner and seeing where things could go if we could be a couple. Whatever right what does a girl got to lose?
Enter Troy back into my life. I'd been drinking and feeling like a total nervous wreck because I actually have a date for the first time in like umm 3 years! So he asks me the normal got another bf question. I dated him when I was back in NY in my college days. My good friend Shannon set me up with him. He's a total sweetheart. So I told him about my date to get insight because we've been REALLY close friends ever since except for when he drops off the net every now and then when he has no access. I was letting loose on the pros and cons of what I know about the guy and trying to get his advice on everything with being so nervous. Well I let loose on my old feelings telling him how I felt back in college that if he didn't have some things to deal with back then, (He was trying to get to see his two daughters that his exwife has more often and I didn't want to stand in that it was really important to him), I would have been with him and I never would have moved 3500kms and hooked up with my ex. At the time I was deciding do I want to wait for Troy to put his life back together or should I throw caution to the wind move and start a new life. Boy did I make the wrong decision on that one! I told him that...and I shocked the hell out of the poor boy and apparently had I told him that he would have tried to be with me. But you can't ask someone to choose over there kids. Then he proceeds to tell me this...
GRR Yahoo erased it so I have to remember it now and I was sort of drunk but it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. It was that if he was with me he'd do everything in his power to make me happy and give me everything I needed and wanted. That if he ever had the chance he'd be the biggest fool on the earth not to ask me to be his wife, his lover and his lifetime partner. That he'd love me with all his heart & soul, just like he always had. Because woman like me only come around once in a lifetime and he'd be blessed to have me as his own. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for me and he knows that I am the same way as he is that i'd do whatever I could for him. Not in those exact words but I just sat there and cried. I've been in love with this guy for 3years we've both been otherwise unavalible since I made the choice to go west. So basically he asked me to marry him...I made a deal that if I was still unattached and he was ready to come be with me i'd buy him that oneway plane ticket.
So here I am....I got a date tomorrow night, a marriage porposal, AND I am stuck on Zach.... What the hell?! Did I lose anyone with this?
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Saturday, March 15, 2008
Walk Before You Run...
Those are the best pieces of advice one could get in there life. When you don't know what to do then maybe it's time you slow down, breath deep, and take it all the pros and cons.I've come to this little crossroad in life right now. One moment i'm all head first running straight into it with all my heart, next i'm hesitant and not sure. From this I can gather maybe it's time to look at why and what is motivating me to think about it in the first place. Most importantly maybe it's time I slow down before I trip over that lace I forgot to tie when I was in the hurry and fall flat on my face. I feel so bipolar right now. Change flusters me, and I don't know how to deal with it!!!
Ugg the hard decision in life. I wish I knew how to deal with them.
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I'm just going to do a random rant about whatever the heck I feel like it. It seems this is the only part of my webpage I actually update frequentlyish...isn't that weird. 2007 in a review...lets see Jan 07 I started off the year with a boyfriend/fiancee/commonlawhubby I ended it single. One hell of a year with lots of bumpy rides! We weren't moved here 3months yet. I spent 07 ringing it in at the neighbours house and the ex spent it with his friend heather. Hmm maybe that's where things started to go wrong because you know the old saying..who you spend new years with is who you'll spend the rest of the year with. I spent it with my neighbours then alone. That's how I ended it anyhoo.I look back and I really miss that relationship in certain ways. I was so comfortable and happy with it but in others we were in a really unhealthy relationship. We stopped talking, the sex stopped, we fought, we verbally abused each other... *sighs* one person was never on the same page the other was...like trying to put oil and water together. Plus i'm a pretty monogamous (spelling?) person. And well he had to try new things and be with other people. I can't do that...as much as i'd like to I just can't. I thought about it a whole once...but I really couldn't go through with it because that's the way i'm wired. He's wired different and I just started getting really uncomfortable in my own skin, I needed to get away from the lies I was telling myself to try and be what I thought he'd think was perfect what a BIG mistake. Never lie to yourself, you start to lie to others they you get caught in the merrygoround of lies until you feel like your drowning in them.
2007 in summary taught me I need to be myself and love myself first before I can try and love someone else.
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Monday, October 29, 2007
Wow it takes me forever to update these things. I always lose interest. Ok so what's new with me. Well RK & I are no longer together. That's all i'm going to say on that cause it's quite personal and everything I say about it gets used about me. Fun stuff no?I have started selling things on ebay (so far Runic Readings & Homemade Candles). It's pretty slow going so far. lol I am patient though. I am also successfully budgeting and paying off my bills. I am attempting to go home for xmas to ontario. I got the time off already just need to make sure I got the money without putting it on my cards. Oh well if I have to I am determined to get back home for Xmas. I am also nearing my 1year anniversary moving out to Alberta. I am also counting down the days till I can move on with my life and start doing what I want with it. I am really tired of working sales granted it's a good chunk of change. I am going to be making over 60grand this year but I don't know if it's really worth my happiness to keep going on with it. Maybe i'll find something more fulfilling out here or maybe move back home.
Right now i'm looking into this Genealogy. I've always wanted to study this problem is it's pricey. There is one course that is given at the University of Toronto but it's almost 3grand to take via correspondance. Which is good considering how much my welding diploma costs me. I'm just getting so sick and tired of the welding field ya know?
Anyhoo that's my ranting for the day.
*toodles off*
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Saturday, July 21, 2007
So last week we had a killer storm. Flooded the downtown core, was really windy and left my place wet and cold, not to mention we had a tiny tornado touch down behind our place not enough to move it or pull anything away that was outside but enough to break trees...it was really weird.So work is going really well. I must say i'm an awesome freakin saleswomen. I am working on solidifying a few ENOURMOUS deals which i'm sure are going to tick off the outside guys but whatever. The person doesn't have an account so it'll all be paid for upfront so it's an inside sale and we get credit for it. One is going to be worth almost 12grand. Should be nice.
My dad is moving out here on Tuesday! I'm really freakin excited about that. He's basically already got a job just needs to show up is all for a decent wage (more livingish lol) of $30/hr and he can basically have all the time he wants as well. I am really happy for him.
Ontop of that we bought a truck yesterday a 1981 Dodge 1500 Dodge ClubCab for $700 (which dad will end up driving around a fair bit). The other half is really excited about it. The motor is solid but it needs some restorative body work and possibly a new box but it's all fixable a good project. lol
Oh and my vacation is in a couple of weeks! I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY TIME OFF! lol
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Friday, July 6, 2007
So today my boys got to see there new vet and get there vaccinations, along with other meds. She was really nice I like her alot I think she will end up being my normal vet. So 340 bucks later (including the cat carriers I had to buy cause I lost my old one and they are to big to share now) I have them all fixed up. :) They got treated for ear mites, tape worms (cause Teq has them from apparently fleas) and then Teq got his rabies and they both got there yearly vaccination.Add & View 0 comments
Sunday, June 24, 2007
This is a poem that I think is brilliant and gorgeous so i'm putting it up here for all to see.Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
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